6 more weeks of winter MY ASS!

I'm sorry but what THE FUCK was that groundhog THINKING by declaring we have 6 more weeks of winter? Have you seen the damn crocuses popping up everywhere? Have you not noticed the balmy spring-like conditions around Vancouver? And don't try to tell me you haven't noticed. It's the damn Olympics in Vancouver right now so we have every bloody media source in the WORLD perched on our doorstep. Everyone knows it's been pretty damn warm (and wet) here. Mildest January on record ya know.

Clearly, someone forgot to inform Mother Nature that in February it is supposed to be cold.

See that brown and green in the background? That's called dirt. To have a successful WINTER event, you might want a bit of white stuff covering it up.

Hey IOC, next time you pick a country to host a winter Olympics maybe you should check the weather history. After all, it's not like it should come as a total shock there is little to no snow 'round here.  Just sayin'

And I think Vancouver should invest a few bucks in our own damn groundhog. Depending on some rodent who lives back East is pure stupidity.

Can you imagine...

For some strange reason I bought myself a scratch and win the other day while getting myself a muffin at the local gas station. I bought something similar to the image to your left.

It's been about a week and would you believe that scratch and win is STILL sitting in my purse, unscratched. Normally I go to town right away but this time...I don't know.

Whenever I happened to remember that ticket I always went through a bit of a fantasy day-dream like you see in the commercials for lotteries. What IF I actually won? What if I was Set for Life? Would I take the $1000 a week for 25 years or the lump sum payment of $675,000?

I kind of like the idea of getting a cheque or a bank deposit for $1000 every week. I don't think I'd quit my job or anything but man, could I have some fun with that! The lump sum would make anything we want to do (renovations, vacations, etc) easier to plan for but it's definitely not an amount that will let you retire early unless you invest it.

If I won I would do the following:

• go shopping! What better way to use a windfall than buy some new shoes...and dresses...and pants ;)
• finish the damn renovations in my house. I might even go crazy and HIRE someone to do them. Oh sure, my husband probably LOVES getting frustrated and swearing at various inanimate objects as he tries to do the renos himself but I am nothing but I considerate wife ;)
• go on a vacation. Even if it is just a short get-away. Damn, I NEED a vacation
• invest what I can. I don't want to end up on one of those reality TV shows about the lottery winners who go bust in a year.

If you won, what would you do? Is there a special treat you'd buy? A debt you'd pay off? Or would you be UBER sensible and just through it all in a GIC?

I guess I should just go scratch the stupid thing...ya never know ;)

Parking Lot Etiquette

The holidays are over. We have once again settled into our regular hum-drum existances and a trip to the mall is no longer the cause of a major anxiety attack. Parking lots, for the most part, are easy to access with plenty of spaces for all.

So, let's just go over some basic etiquette, shall we?

#1: You know those really close spots? The ones right by the entrances usually...no, I'm not referring to the Handicap parking (though really, the perfectly able individuals I see parking there just because they happen to have the sticker on their car is really a piss off. If you don't have the handicapped individual WITH you, you do NOT have a right to that spot) I'm referring to the latest innovation of "family friendly malls": the New or Expectant Mother spots/Parent or Grandparent parking. See these spots are designed to make it a little easier on pregnant gals lumbering along with their massive bellies and swollen ankles and for harried moms and their kids trek through the parking lot with all the assorted kid gear a bit safer. So, to the dude with the massive gut that most likely is a result of too much beer and pizza and NOT a miracle of modern science, get the HELL out of that spot!!!

#2: Parking space stalkers...get off my ass!! I do not appreciate being tailed through the lot by a slow moving vehicle, just waiting to pounce on my spot. It makes me feel like I'm about to be arrested or something.There are lots of spaces out there, go find one and stop bugging me.

#3: Parking space dawdlers, when you have reached your car get in, put on your belt and get the FUCK out!! I do not appreciate having to wait while you fluff your hair, reapply lipstick, search in your purse for a mint, or make a phone call. All of this should have been done previous to entering your vehicle or once you reach your new destination just before you get out of the car again. And when you do FINALLY choose to back out, BACK OUT!! Don't back out part way, pull back in, turn the wheels, try again, etc etc etc...this just gets the blood boiling of whoever would like your spot OR if that person was stupid enough to wait for you to back out before proceeding out of the lot. It isn't rocket science to back out of a parking spot so if this is an issue for you, STOP DRIVING!!

Thank you for your time and happy shopping :)

An Open Letter to My Husband

Dear Husband,

I get it. You're stressed. Who can blame you? You have no job, a mortgage, and two young children driving you nuts. It's not easy being the stay-at-home parent. Hey, unless you have forgotten, I have 2 years of that under my belt. And do not TRY to tell me it is harder for you than it was for me. At least the kids can talk (somewhat) and let you know what they want. Unlike what I had to deal with which was crying. Loud, piercing crying. And no clue what those cries meant most of the time.

But if you want to get through this brief period in your life (and it will be brief I'm sure. Yes, the job market kind of sucks for your area right now and no, you don't want to just take any job just to have a job) without giving yourself a heart attack you have GOT to figure out how to let the small stuff slide. Yelling back at the kids when they are tired and cranky isn't going to make them happy cheerful beings.

I'm just as guilty. I get frustrated, lose my cool, yell over tiny transgressions. I'm not perfect. But I want to try to stay calm. I want to try using positive reinforcement. And I can't do that if you decide to yell at me too.

Children learn by mimicing the behaviour they see. Obviously if we are at each other's throats they will start acting the same. So stop with the condescending remarks to me. Stop making me feel like I have done nothing to help maintain the house. Your comments aren't appreciated and just get me pissed off. And the follow up of "I was only joking" is not appreciated. Your "jokes" do not feel like jokes to me. I've told you this numerous times and yet you don't seem to get it.

For the time being I am the one who has to get up, get ready, and leave the house for work. When I was the one home all day and YOU left for work I certainly didn't expect you to do a bunch of childcare related things when you were trying to get ready. If you did, it was appreciated but honestly, you barely had anything to do with our kids until the first one hit 2. And don't try to protest, you know it and I know it. Let's move on.

You'll probably never read this. But I feel better just getting it out.

Hey VANOC! Get your head out of your ass!

Someone please explain why VANOC suddenly thinks its God? I am so sick and tired of the 2010 Olympic Nazis...were the host city organizations for previous Olympics this ghestapo-ish??

In case you aren't aware, Vancouver is expecting the Olympics in about a month. Whoo f*cking hoo. Ever since we were granted the Games it has been one news story after another with VANOC crying fowl. First it was the poor guy who owned Olympia Pizza on Denman. He was essentially told that no one cared that he'd been in business YEARS before Vancouver even dreamt of bidding for the games. He was infringing on a trademarked name so suck it up and change the name. Looks like he is fighting back and so he should. Sure, there are people who will try to use the Olympics to further their profits but come on, a guy who has a restaurant that focuses on Greek food (*knock knock* VANOC, in case you haven't heard Greece is sort of where the Olympics originated) really shouldn't have to be worried about the Olympic Nazis busting down his door and ripping the sign down.

Recently Lululemon received a backlash from VANOC over their extremely clever marketing for a new line of clothing called: “Cool Sporting Event That Takes Place in British Columbia Between 2009 & 2011 Edition”. No where does it even specifically mention Olympics or 2010 or even Vancouver. So too bad, so sad VANOC. Go do something worthwhile like figure out how to pay for this "prestigious event". Do not, and I repeat do NOT go whining about another company trying to build Canadian pride!! Which brings me to my last point.

The other day in the paper I saw a story about how VANOC had its knickers in a knot about Scotiabank's latest campaign "Show Your Colors". No where does it mention the Olympics. It's supposed to be a way for Canadians to show their Canadian pride by uploading pictures to the site in an effort to win prizes.This campaign was done during the Grey Cup last year and I imagine if the Vancouver Canucks get their asses in gear and actually MAKE the playoffs, it might be revamped for the Stanley Cup playoffs (that's just a supposition. I do not have any association with Scotiabank). Yes, they have a former Olympic hockey player as an advisor but really, that's probably as close to an Olympic connection it has.

I get that in order to pay for this boondoggle we are calling the 2010 Olympic Games, VANOC needs sponsers to pony up some major cash. But really, their protection of anything and everything Olympics is getting to be a bit much. The BIGGEST irony of it all? Scotiabank has partnered with VISA (an official 2010 sponsor) to put out Olympic themed VISA gift cards. So Scotia, a non-Olympics sponser, is the ONLY place you can get a VISA gift card COVERED with Olympic trademarks...

Does anyone else see slight conflict with that?

Ohh, that's nasty!

There are things that I say to my husband that are so clever but yet, so dirty that I hesitate to share with most people. Well, what fun is that? I'm sure you will soon see, I am all about fun (in my lovely alter-ego, alternate reality kind of life. In real life I am a play it safe, follow the rules, don't rock the boat kind of girl. I really must have the two sides meet up someday. Maybe we can mud wrestle for supreme control of my personality).

Anyway...to give some background, my husband likes me to Swallow. I hate Swallowing. In fact, I hate having it in my mouth period. Blech! But I will humor him occasionally and go along with his desires. After one such time he called out to me as I went over to the sink

Husband: "What is worse, semen or Buckley's?" (I was suffering from this niggling little cough that just would NOT go away. So I suffered through Buckley's. Lemme tell you: it tastes awful and it don't work worth shit!!)

Me: "Well, I swallow Buckley's"

Now, I will admit that I DID NOT mean it to come out like the clever retort it did. That was pure luck. I'm pretty sure in my head I was supposed to have the words "have to" in front of swallow. But it popped out as above and hilarity ensured. My husband has a very quick, dry, clever sense of humor and he appreciates a good one-liner. I was Queen of Sexual Innuendo for the rest of the night.

************
There was another time I got off a really good come back. My husband decided to use the front door instead of come in through the garage. I saw him so I opened the door for him (yeah, I'm a sweet wife for that huh?) As I open the door he greets me with this:

Husband: "Have you let Jesus into your heart?" (I'm not religious at all so he was trying to be funny)

Me: "That's not the only thing I've let him in to."

He gives me a quick look and busts out laughing. Once again, I was Queen for the day for that one.

Why the hell am I here?

Well, basically I want to let it all out, no holds barred. Sometimes when you have a personal blog that your mom or your grandmother reads, you can't say exactly what you want. You watch your language, stay politically correct, etc etc.

But really, what fun is that? I'm not saying I plan to be a total potty mouth but I won't be too worried about letting the odd obscenity loose. And I'll share things that I might not share as my real life persona. So no, I'm not saying who I am or giving any background to my real life except vague mentions here and there. No names, no places.  For now. Who knows, maybe this will go somewhere and I'll come out of the Blogger Closet :) No, I'm not gay either (not that there is anything wrong with that)

So sit back and enjoy the ride.